Update - it seems as if it appears that I'm getting (some) traction on this.
First - they emailed me asking for consent to record all calls - and that they'd call within "4 business hours." (No call)
Then - I got an email that my "case was closed." (**bleep**? no call or anything)
Next - I tweeted HP support asking why my case was closed with no resolution - then I got this response: "As per the update received, your case has now been elevated to the customer relations team in your region, and they are the highest level of the escalation. We already notified your case to them, and they will reach out to you going forward. The case manager will help you with the case resolution, and I request you contact them directly for support via email or phone. Complaint case number: XXX123XXX Regards, HP Social Media Escalation Team"
So now I'm in the nose-bleed section of escalation apparently.
It's so ludicrous that so many "chefs are in the kitchen" for this matter. I think HP needs DOGE to come help them streamline things. For Christ's sake - empower people to do the right thing, and maybe they can afford to hire good firmware programmers who don't screw things up for everyone.
I'll keep everyone up to date about this saga. Thanks for everyone's help with phone numbers and Twitter info, too.